The Silent Lover
by lleona
Summary: Quinn is hiding a big secret that will sooner or later become a problem in her life-when the truth comes out. She wants someone who isn't hers and is willing to push her own limits to get what she wants. It's all fun and games until it becomes the other way around. PS. This fic contains violence. You read at your own risk!
1. chapter one

I finally finish writing my letter and fold it neatly to fit it in the small envelope. With a name and adress written on it I walk out to the mailbox nearest my apartment and send it away. I light my cigarette and inhale the nicotine as the corner of my lips slowly curves into a small grin. I continue walking to the bus stop where the bus is already standing. Another Monday, another school day.

"Hey there pumpkin," Puck says as soon as he sees me walking in the school corridor. There is something about his petnames that make me hate him even more than I already do. It's just not cute. But I don't really have much of a choice than to smile back at him if I want this to work.

"Hi babe," I answer with a smile so forced it makes my cheeks hurt. He gives me a kiss on the cheek that makes my body twitch and shiver. He makes me so uncomfortable, but it's nothing personal. _All _boys make me uncomfortable. And I'm not quite sure when I'm ready to come out, or if I ever will. My parents would never let me have a girlfriend, they are too ignorant. So here I am, pretending that I love Puck with all my heart when in reality there's only one person I truly crave.

There she comes.

"Quinn, are you coming to the rehearsal or what? The football game is next week, we need you," she says and runs away to the gym with her arm around Brittany's, both wearing their cheerleading uniforms. The anger that fills my body is unbearable. I hate Brittany so much and the fact that her and Santana are like two love birds angers me even more. Santana is _mine_-or will be, some day. I promise you that! I always get I want.

"I have to practice for the game, you should go too. See you later kitten." Puck winks with his eye and walks away. Once again, I twitch and feel utterly disgusted by his choice of words. I turn around and walk to the gym where I have my rehearsals.

"Fabray, you're late!" Sue yells at me as soon as I take a step in. I decide not to say anything in return and just start rehearsing with the other cheerleaders.

I can't help but to look at the lesbian couple and notice their discreet flirts. Jealous isn't even a big enough word to describe how they make me feel. Although, I would never admit that to anyone. Not even Her.

I keep my gaze at their direction but only focus on Santana. She looks absolutely gorgeous in her uniform. It fits so perfectly fine on her slim body like it was just made for her. With my eyes, I _very slowly_ follow her tan hot legs that lead up to her small skirt. I almost gasp when I get a punching feeling in my stomach. I crave her _so much_. If she bends down too low you can see what's under the skirt, and it always gets me excited. I like to be unintentionally teased by her.

I continue following her body with my eyes and stop when I get to her face. No matter how much I love her body it will never be more than how much I love her face. She has pretty full lips, dark mysterious eyes and beautiful dark hair that matches her colors perfectly. I still remember the first day I saw her when we started high school. Ever since, my feelings for her only became stronger. But it never hurt me as much as it is doing now. Santana and Brittany came out as a couple only one month after our senior year began. Since that day have I fully understood how much Santana really means to me. They have openly been a couple for only two months now but these two months have been painful to me. How am I going to survive the rest of this school year? We don't graduate until seven more months.

"Quinn, stop staring at me like that," Santana says in confusion when noticing that I have been staring at her for quite a long time. Brittany looks confused at me too.

"Sorry, I was just thinking," I lie. As dumb as Brittany is she just smiles at me and goes back to flirting with Santana. They are both my friends but I'm not theirs. They love me in a friendly way, I love only Santana and in a not-so-friendly way.

"Alright Cheerios, we're done for today, now get the hell out of my gym!" Sue yells and everyone starts making their way out. I walk to my locker to find Puck leaning on it, obviously waiting for me.

"What are you doing today?" He asks when I get there and moves his face closer to mine. I push him back and open my locker before answering.

"I'm busy," I answer shortly and grab out my history book.

"With what?" He asks with a cocky tone.

"None of your business. See you in class.." I close the locker "..babe," I continue my sentence to make it sound less cold hearted. I give him a fake smile and leave.

When I arrive to my history class I shut out all my thoughts immediately and hold a straight face to prevent getting questions asked. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or not to not have Santana in the same history class. If she was here then I would be able to study her even more but she would also distract me so much I would fail the class.

After a little more than an hour we finally get to go to lunch. I never actually eat at school but lunchtime is when I have my longest break so I always look forward to it. I have been avoiding to eat more than once a day or my cheerleading uniform won't look good on me. I have to look perfect since that's what people expect from me, being the school's most popular girl. The next popular girl would probably be Santana. That's another reason to why she attracts me, I see her as a threat. I like to have competition and I _love_ to _win_.

I wait for Santana and Brittany to finish their Spanish class so we can tease around with people. That's what we do best together and that's how we became friends. We all joined the cheerleading squad and I noticed how confident they were which instantly caught my interest. But that was only until they came out as a couple. Like I said, I have hated Brittany ever since. However, I can't get rid of her if I want to hang out with Santana.

"Let's go Quinn," Brittany says as soon as they get out of their classroom. I look down to see that they are holding each other's hands. _Will they ever stop?__  
_

While walking down the hallway we meet Rachel. She always looks so intimidated by us, like we're going to slushie her face like we used to as juniors. We don't do that anymore, we've found other ways to mess with her.

"Hello tranny," Santana says as the insulting girl she is. I just laugh like I always do. Her cockiness can be annoying but it makes her confident so I like it. The only problem is that we happen to get into fights sometimes because we both think we're better than each other.

Rachel doesn't answer but keeps walking, fast. I can clearly see that she tries to avoid us but I know that she doesn't truly hate_ me_. Quite the opposite-she admires me, that's for sure. I've even caught her staring at me in our English classes together. I don't exactly know how to interpret that but I have no interest in her whatsoever. It's always been Santana and it always will be.

The girls and I, or "the unholy trinity" as people call us, continue our walk in the school corridors.

"Oh my God, I think my mom is dead!" Brittany says in all of a sudden.

"What?!" Santana shouts. I just furrow my eyebrows.

"She texted me "if you don't give me my keys soon I'm going to freeze to death" and I still haven't given them to her.. Oh God, I'm a murderer!" Brittany says with all seriousness. Santana laughs and I just sigh really loudly. Brittany can't help being this dumb but it still annoys me. You can't hold a conversation with her without her suddenly talking about unicorns.

"Girls, I'll be right back. I'm just going to get something," I say and wait for them to nod before I leave. What they don't know is that I am on my way out to smoke. I have told everyone that I stopped smoking because they were nagging so much about it but, I never did.

I walk to my spot where I always smoke so no one can see me and I take out my cigarettes. I put them back in my pocket after picking out one. I click on the cigarette to release the menthol, and then I light it.

I try not to smoke so often when I'm at school because I'm running out of excuses to why I have to leave but today I feel like I have to. I have been smoking for a couple of years now and it makes me lose my appetite so I don't have to eat much. But more importantly, it is the only way for me to relieve my inner stress and the pressure that I'm feeling. It's not easy to hide your true feelings with a fake relationship just because people won't accept the real you. Even Santana thinks it's difficult sometimes to be open about herself, but it doesn't make her hide it. She loves Brittany too annoyingly much and that girl doesn't seem to care at all. Sometimes I wish that I was as brave as they are but I'm Quinn Fabray. I'm not _allowed _to be gay.

As I keep smoking I start observing the other students sitting outside on our school benches. They are quite far away from me so they don't notice me at all. I see the asian girl Tina and her asian boyfriend Mike. I don't know why I even care about their names but they also have English classes with me. Tina doesn't like me, I can tell that. But mostly because she is jealous of me. So is another girl, Mercedes, who also has English with me. They are Rachel's best friends and they always talk about me behind my back. It doesn't bother me though, it makes me even more confident about myself.

When I've finished smoking I throw the cigarette to the ground and stub it out with my shoe. I make some small exhales to blow out the smoke before going back to the girls. I walk into the school and make my way to them when someone gets in the way.

"There you are sweet sugar," Puck says with a grin showing up on his lips. Whenever I see his face I remember the day that I agreed to get him laid. I still can't believe it. He is disgusting and I would never have been in a relationship with him if I didn't want to keep my secret. But he wouldn't be my boyfriend if I didn't do it so I decided that I had to. I know that I could have picked any guy in the whole school and none of them would even hesitate to say yes but, if I want to keep my reputation I have to pick someone popular. Sadly, I chose him.

"Here I am," I answer.

"Where have you been? I've been looking for you."

"I have friends, you know that right?" I say with irritation.

"Don't lie to me. I can smell the smoke coming from your clothes," he says sounding suspicious.

"I told you, I have stopped smoking! Will you let it go?" I say with a harsh tone.

"It's really bad for your health Quinn, you have to stop," he says.

"Shut up Puck! That is really none of your business! Stop telling me what to do because I really don't care! Now, tell me why you were looking for me," I finally say to shut his mouth.

"Jeez.. I'm sorry. It wasn't even important. I'll just leave you and your PMS hormones here," he says like a little child. "Girls are so confusing," he sighs and walks past me. I sigh back at him and walk to my next class that has already begun. The time feels like it's going too slow when I'm sitting in my classroom. I don't even listen to my teacher, I just think and think and think.

After two hours I have finally finished school for the day so I go out and wait for the bus to get me home. I would say that I'm glad to finally go home because school is torturing me but I think home is even worse. My parents have never paid attention to me or done anything for me. They only talk to me when they have something rude to say or when they feel like scolding me. They don't even know how I'm doing in school. I am actually doing quite well but they never ask about it so I never tell them.

The bus has arrived and I step onto it. I sit at the same spot that I always sit on if it's empty, I just feel comfortable sitting there. It's just like when you're going to eat in your kitchen. Even though the other chairs are free you always sit on _that _chair.

On my way home I look out from the window listening to music from my earphones. For some reason, watching the nature and listening to music is a great combination when you want to think. And as I think I start getting a lot of ideas. I know exactly how to continue my plans on ruining the love between Santana and Brittany. Just wait and see.


	2. chapter two

There's only five minutes left until my first class of the day begins. I'm waiting outside the English classroom with Santana and Brittany. So are Rachel, Mercedes, Tina and Mike. They are chatting with each other but are keeping some space between their group and my group of friends.

Their fear of us is hilarious.

I can barely hear what they are saying though, they are talking too quietly, almost whispering. But it's not like they have anything interesting going on in their lives anyway.

"Girls, I have something to show you," Brittany says.

"What is it?" Santana asks.

"I got a letter this morning. I'm going to read it to everyone in our class when we get in," Brittany says looking kind of scared.

"Why? What did it say?" I ask.

"I told you, I'll read it in class. I have to find out who wrote this," she responds.

Our English teacher makes it just in time. She locks up the classroom door and we all get in to take a seat. I look at Brittany and hear her speaking to the teacher, asking if she can do something before the class begins. Our teacher nods and Brittany stands in front of the whiteboard facing us.

"Hello class," she starts. Everyone just stares confusingly at her. "I'm going to read up a text and the one who wrote it will raise their hand," she says and unfolds the piece of paper. "Dear Brittany S. Pierce, if you don't stay away from my girl I'll make bad things happen to you. Signed "A.Z"."

I look around and everyone's faces look numb, emotionless. No one says a word, except for Santana, of course.

"Give me that!" She yells and starts reading the letter. "Who the hell is A.Z? Stop messing around you airheads! Leave my girl alone, I'll never let go of her," she says furiously. Still, no one says a word. I can feel the awkward tension between everyone, even the teacher looks baffled.

"Hahaha! What kind of stupid letter is that?" I say and laugh. Truth is, I wrote it. Yesterday morning, before going to school, I sent a letter and it was this one.

"Stupid indeed. Just ignore it Brittany, no one can touch you. I'll knock their teeth out if they try to hurt you," Santana says and smiles at Brittany. She smiles back at her with fond eyes. They take two seats beside me and the teacher clears her throat before teaching. My friends listen to her but I don't, as usual. I gaze behind my shoulder to take a look at the other students and all of them are listening too. I start tapping my fingers on the desk and shaking my leg. I want to get out of this room because even though no one is talking about the letter anymore I can still feel the tension in here. I'm just afraid that someone will find out it is me. But how? Honestly, I'm overthinking.

An hour has passed and it's time for a break before our next class begins. The girls and I walk up to Rachel and her friends to confront them. Santana is guessing that they're the people behind the letter and I obviously play along so I don't look suspicious.

"Okay, Pippi Longstocking, weird asian couple and whatever your name is.." Santana says and looks into Mercedes' eyes. "Did you guys write this letter?"

"Well, I obviously didn't.. I have a boyfriend so why would I want Brittany to stay away from you?" Tina says and laughs mockingly. Mike laughs along with her. Santana shrugs and faces the two other girls.

"What about you?" She says and squints with her eyes to frighten them.

"Alright, little miss Diva," Mercedes starts off. "I'm not afraid of you, and I did not write that letter. You're not my type," she says, also mocking her. Santana keeps squinting her eyes, staring deeper into Mercedes' eyes before facing Rachel only.

"No, I didn't write it, I promise," Rachel says.

"That's not very convincing," Santana says lifting her left eyebrow.

"No.. No! I didn't do it! Why are you questioning me but not the others?" She answers and starts sweating nervously. I don't know why she is so nervous, I mean I was the one who wrote the letter.

"I did," Santana answers shortly.

"But you only asked them once. Why do you keep asking me?"

"Out of all people in your little geek gang, you are most likely to be the lesbian one," Santana says with a sneering smile. Rachel's eyes widen and she swallows the air. Everyone stays quiet, staring at Rachel as Santana's grin grows bigger. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion and tilt my head a little to the right.

_Could it be true? Does Rachel also prefer girls? Is that maybe why she has been staring at me so weirdly?_

"Even if that is true, I would never even think about you in that way. Any girl, besides _you_," Rachel finally gives an answer.

I start second guessing my earlier thought, she isn't into girls. It doesn't seem right. The reason why she stares at me is probably the exact same reason as to why other people stare at me, it's simple jealousy.

"Whatever dwarf," Santana says and throws her hair back with her hand. "The letter is a stupid joke anyway, don't take it seriously Brittany. Let's go," Santana says to me and Brittany and we walk away.

"I don't think it's any of them," Brittany says as we're walking to the gym. I feel my heart beating faster and my hand palms start sweating.

_Why does she not think it's them? That was a part of my plan too._

"Why not?" Santana asks curiously and I wait eagerly for her to answer .

"They would never have the guts to send something like this to me. I am too popular for them and much hotter than them. It has to be someone who isn't afraid of us," Brittany answers and looks really proud of her answer. Santana smiles at her girlfriend.

"You are so smart Brittany," she says and kisses her cheek.

"What do you think, Quinn?" Brittany asks me. I take some time before answering because I've been too lost in my thoughts.

"Yeah, maybe.. Or maybe it _is_ one of them and they want us to _think _that it's someone more popular. You know, kind of like reverse psychology," I say determined. Both Brittany and Santana nod slowly, almost agreeing to my opinion and I start to relax.

"No. It can't be. Quinn, if you were the one who wrote the letter, wouldn't you want the person receiving the letter to figure out who it is?" Santana asks.

"What? Why would I want that?" I ask and my heart starts pounding harder again.

_What kind of question is that? Is she suspecting me?_

"I mean, what's the point of sending a letter like this if it's _too _anonymous. It has to be someone who isn't afraid of us," Santana says, repeating the exact same thing as Brittany earlier said. "And that person wants us to figure out who it is. So we will," she lastly says and we step into the gym where our coach has been waiting for us.

My face is absolutely out of emotions and I feel my body shiver. She has got it all wrong, I don't want them to figure out it is me. I would never want that, it would ruin my life. Luckily, I am their close friend so I will be able to hear all their plans and I can take that to my advantage. I am not going to fail. This is just the beginning of all my other idéas I have planned to fulfill.

After rehearsals we go to the lockers room to take a shower and I discreetly stare at Santana and Brittany while I'm showering. They take the same shower, wearing their underwear and bras only. This is always what I wait for after we have had P.E. This is the only reason to why I actually want to be in the lockers room. I get to see Santana's beautiful _naked _body. She is the most fit girl in the whole school.

Santana is finally off of all her clothes. My heart races quickly and my body gets filled with all these warm and happy feelings. I can't help myself from traveling my eyes up and down her body repeatedly. I just want to slowly drag my fingertips over her smooth-looking skin. I want to give her gentle kisses all over her arms and make her whisper my name.

They turn on the shower and I watch how the water flows on Santana's hair and body and how it makes her wet. The heated water that touches her skin makes the spot they're standing on very damp because of the steam. She puts her hands on her head, closing her eyes, and drags them backward over her hair, also arching her back as if she is trying to tease me on purpose.

As they're standing naked under the same shower they start throwing shampoo at each other along with their small giggles. They always seem to have so much fun with each other and it makes me so extremly envious. I want Santana to do that with _me_, not Brittany. I want Santana all to myself. I want to hug her, kiss her, play with her hair, comfort her with sweet texts on her bad days and kiss her roughly on her happy days. I want to make her feel special and loved. But it seems like Brittany is doing that job pretty well herself, although I would do it better if I got the chance.

Suddenly, I catch myself staring at them again when Santana gives me a confused look. I just smile at her and turn around to continue showering. I have to stop gluing my eyes on her because sooner or later she will figure out there's something I'm not completely honest about.

As soon as I get home I walk into my room to prepare my new letter. I take a piece of paper out of my drawer and pick up my ink pencil from my desk to write with. I lie on the floor and think until I finally figure out something. I start writing with the same handwriting I used on my earlier letter, of course it's not my own handwriting.

_I warned you_

_- A.Z_

I fold the paper and put it in an envelope with the adress already written on it. However, I'm not going to send this letter until I'm done with one thing.

_Oh Brittany, you're going to regret not listening to me._


	3. chapter three

**WARNING! Graphic content.**

My phone starts buzzing right after I've finished writing my new letter. I pick the phone up from my bed and notice I've received a text message from Santana. I smile and unlock my phone. My heart always beats a little quicker when she texts me, even though I know it's because we're friends. I just like that she thinks of me.

"What's up? You haven't been going out with us for quite a long time. Brittany and I thought we could eat at Olive Garden today, are you in?" the text says. She's right. I have stopped going out with my friends because of the consequences I always got when I got home. But today I want to, I really miss going out. Olive Garden in my town is almost like Mc Donald's worldwide; it's a popular restaurant that all citizens here go to.

"Sure, I'll be ready in 10," I reply and throw my phone back to my bed.

I change my clothes and put on a casual pair of jeans and a simple white top. I throw my cheerleading outfit in the washing machine but I don't turn it on until I get home. Then, I brush my hair and add a little more mascara to my eyelashes before spraying some perfume on myself. I look myself in the mirror one last time and then I walk to the hall to put on my outerwear. It's a bit chilly outside so I put on my coat and then I finally open the door to get out.

"And where do you think you are going?" I hear the voice of my mother behind me. I grunt and sigh, turning around to face her.

"I'm going out," I answer coldly.

"With whom exactly?" my mother asks in a way that makes me want to strangle her.

"With my friends; Santana and Brittany," I say.

"That's odd. You haven't gone out with them for months," she says and leaves a hint to me that only I can understand.

"Can I go?" I ask in a hurry so I can catch up with the bus.

"Hm, be home before 8," she says and gives me a fake smile that is too visible.

"Yeah, whatever," I lastly say and leave.

**. . .**

"Where the hell is my pizza?!" Santana yells, but not too loudly, while Brittany and I are eating our food.

"Pizza always takes a little more time to make," I say and continue eating my delicious Lasagna Classico. Santana laughs.

"We've missed you, Fabray. Why have you stopped hanging out with us? Is something wrong?" she asks and I stop eating. I was not prepared for her to ask that.

"Uhm, no.. I have just been feeling very tired lately, you know rehearsals and all. Also, Puck has been asking me to do his homework a lot so I've been staying home," I lie as convincingly as I can.

"Excuse me? You let him tell you what to do?" Santana asks and looks mad.

"No I don't. I just do his homework, it doesn't bother me," I say and hope for the subject to change.

"Okay, but you know what's bothering me? That letter I received! I just can't stop thinking about it," Brittany says. I sigh in both relief and disappointment. She changed the subject and I'm glad but out of _all _subjects she _had _to take up this one! I just try to ignore her by continuing eating on my food and let Santana answer instead.

"Why are you so scared? Do you really think I would let you leave me because of a stupid letter?" Santana says and sounds annoyed.

"No, I don't want you to leave me but I'm worried. What if they try to hurt you?" Brittany says and I almost feel like laughing.

_I would never hurt Santana, it's you I'm going to hurt._

"What's so funny?" Brittany asks when she notices my sudden grin that shows up on my face.

"If it's one of those geek gang members, which it probably is, why would you be afraid?" I say and try to sound as convincing as I can. I really want them to believe it's one of them.

"But that's the problem, I don't think it's one of them," she says and I start to feel my blood boiling inside of my body. Her obstinacy is getting on my nerves. I don't understand why she just can't give in.

"Whoever it is, I am going to unveil that person. Trust me Brittany," Santana says and puts her hand on Brittany's shoulder. She stares into her eyes until Brittany finally nods. I just roll my eyes and sigh and then we start to discuss other things. When we get into interesting subjects, that don't make me nervous, we are actually having quite a fun time. Santana laughs and smiles with her perfect teeth as the corner of her eyes crinkle. She is so painfully cute. I never get bored of her.

"Oh no.." I suddenly utter when checking the time. "I have to go home. See you tomorrow," I say and put on my coat and walk away before they even get the chance to respond. I make my way home as quickly as I can but start to feel pain. My chest suddenly feels heavy and tight, causing me to get the urge to cry. I keep checking the time every fifth second but it's too late. I won't be home before 8; as I promised my mother. This is not good, not good at all.

**. . .**

I take my keys out of my coat's pocket and slowly unlock the door to my apartment; hoping that my mother won't hear me sneaking in. I walk in and quietly close the door as I start to take off my outerwear. I breathe very carefully between every move I make to avoid making loud noises. When I'm done I tiptoe silently to my room. I finally sigh in relief as I open my door and feel the heaviness on my shoulders vanish. But, _oh_. I look up to see the shape of another figure. A figure that I least want to meet. I haven't felt my heart drop this hard in a very, _very_ long time. And at this right moment, all I do is feeling like a huge mistake.

"What time is it?" my mother asks with fire in her eyes, holding her hands behind her back.

"8:17" I answer nervously. I can't help but to feel so much regret.

"That's right, darling. And what time did I tell you to get home?" she asks as if it's a game we're playing. Well, it is one to her.

"8, mother," I say.

"That's right! Now, tell me why you're late," she says and her smile keeps growing bigger. It's not a pleasant smile though. Her eyes tell me the exact opposite of happiness.

"I forgot the time, I'm sorry," I say and pray to God that she will leave me alone.

"Forgot the time? That doesn't sound very professional, coming from a wealthy family like ours. I raised you better than this," she says and strokes her blonde hair.

"You weren't even there for me," I mumble to the floor.

"What was that?" my mother says and raises her tone.

"Nothing," I say but don't regret what I said.

"Oh, how I wish your father was here right now instead of working so hard. I wish he could see you right now. See what I'm about to do to you," she whispers and squints with her eyes furiously. Her hands are starting to show off, not being held behind her back anymore, and there it is; the whip. She hasn't used it ever since I stopped going out after school. Today it's back, just because I decided that I've changed my mind.

"Mom, please don't. I'm so sorry.. It won't happen again," I say with my voice shaking. I can't get my eyes off of the whip, it's the only thing that can make me feel this terrified. It gives me so much memories and flashbacks, just staring at it and I already feel like crying.

"I don't care about what's going to happen, I care about what has already happened," she says and moves closer to me. She lifts up her hand that holds the whip.

"No.. No.. Please!" I manage to say as I sit down on the floor, covering my face. But, it's too late. The leather weapon has already touched my skin and all I can do is take the pain as I weep out loud. One hit after another touches my waist and my back and the hits just keep getting harder and harder.

My mother is evil but also very clever. She knows that if she hits me on my other body parts the bruises will show when I wear my cheerleading outfit. The things she does to look like an innocent, pure woman. I don't think it's possible to hate your own parent more than I do.

"This is what you deserve for being disrespectful!" my mother yells and keeps whipping me so hard I can feel my bruises starting to grow. I only reply in tears and screams. "Stop crying you ungrateful slut! Your dad and I pay for you to have a roof to live under! We are the ones who will pay you to go to college, and this is how you thank us?! I'm ashamed to even call you my daughter!" she yells and gives me one last hard whip on my hipbone before leaving my room. A whip that burns so much, but will never burn more than the words coming out of my mother's mouth. I keep sobbing, lying on the floor and feeling weak. So weak that I can't even lift a finger. My body is aching and stinging, making me feel sick. I just want to die, _please _let me die.


	4. chapter four

**A.N: I'm sorry for the extremely late update. You probably thought that I gave up with this story but I've just been very busy these last couple of weeks. I'm very sorry for that! I hope you will continue reading anyways. And I suggest you to maybe read the last part of my last chapter to remember what happened. Ok, I'll stop talking now. Enjoy!**

I wake up to my alarm clock ringing, noticing that I'm still lying on the floor. I must have dozed off after being so harshly abused. My body is still aching but at least I am able to get up now. I put my hands on the floor and push me up from it. I hobble my way to the mirror and look myself in it as I lift up my shirt and I can see all my bruises. They are huge and very disturbingly ugly. The colors are a mix of blue and purple with a little bit of red because of my dried blood. I press two fingers on my bruises just to feel how much they hurt and then I pull back down my shirt. Looking at my face I see my mascara that has smeared around my eyes after crying so much yesterday. I look like a monster with the dark circles on my eyes, pale face, messy hair and the small bloodstains that show on my shirt. The longer I keep staring at myself the more depressed I feel so I shake my head and turn around. I grab my rob that is hanging on the hook on the wall and I walk to the bathroom to take a shower. As soon as the water hits my skin it starts to sting a lot. I increase the heat and the amount of water coming out of the shower head and let it burn my skin to take the pain away. Pain relieves pain.

When I get out of the shower I dry my hair with a towel and put on my rob afterwards. I get out and go to my room to put on my cheerleading clothes but then I remember that I was supposed to wash them yesterday. That never happened though, obviously. I don't want to skip school though, I'd rather be there than this place I call "home". I guess I'll just come up with a simple excuse to why I'm not wearing my cheerleading clothes today. It happens.

After putting on some casual clothes I blowdry my hair and brush it softly. I put on new mascara on my lashes and a little blush. I skip breakfast today since I ate at afternoon yesterday. Finally done and ready for school I walk to the hallway to put on my outerwear. Just then I notice something lying on the floor. It's an envelope, with my name and adress written on it. I curiously pick it up to open it up; shocked that I've received this. I never recieve mails from anyone. When I open the envelope I see a folded piece of paper inside of it. I take it out and unfold it quickly, feeling nervous for some reason.

_I've figured it's you... You're not as smart as you think you are. Meet me up outside Olive Garden after school, if you want to keep your secret ;)_

_- Z.A_

I gasp loudly when I read the letter I have received this early morning. I feel as if I'm suffocating - it gets harder to breathe. Every pulse in my body throbs hard and I feel like my face is swelling so much it hurts. My cheeks start burning and my veins become very visible on my hands. I run to my room and throw myself on my bed with my face pressed on the pillow and I start sobbing.

_This can't be happening. This. Can't. Be. Happening. Has Santana already figured out it is me? Oh no, this is bad. This is **really **bad._

I lie on my bed a couple of minutes until I stop sobbing, wipe my tears and take a last look on the letter. I don't recognize the handwriting so I guess she used the same technique as I've used. I shake my head when I read the signature.

_"Z.A", is she trying to be funny?_

I guess I don't have much of a choice other than to meet her up after school. Well, there goes my chance of ever getting into a relationship with her. I just have to figure out how she knew it was me. Was it something I said? Probably. I'm still curious, though. Also, it is going to be very awkward to see her at school today. I don't know how she will react when she sees me or if she will even give me a reaction. Maybe she will pretend she knows nothing so Brittany doesn't suspect something. At least that's what I hope for.

**. . .**

The hallways at school are empty. Everyone is sitting in their classrooms and I'm heading to my locker. If it wasn't for that letter I wouldn't have missed the bus. I hate getting late to school because then I'll have to walk into the classroom and watch everyone glare at me like I've committed a crime.

I take out my books and a pen. Suddenly, I feel a tap on my shoulder and my chest tightens immediately. I turn around and sigh when I see who it is.

"There you are!" he says.

"Puck, what are you doing here?" I ask but don't really care for an answer.

"Looking for you. You're late."

"No shit.. Why don't you go back to class?" I say in hope of him leaving.

"Don't you want to see the hot face of mine, Quinn? We haven't hung out in a long time, what have you been up to?" he says without leaving.

"I have been helping my mom with a lot of stuff. I can't spend time with you so much anymore," I lie. My mom would be the last person I would help with anything.

"Are you avoiding me?" he asks, obviously not convinced by my answer.

"No. I'm not. Why do you have to ask me so many questions? I have a life and you don't have to know everything about it," I say with an annoyed tone in my voice.

"Ugh, you're really weird Quinn. I don't know if I can handle being in this relationship anymore.." he says looking down at his feet. I squint my eyes with a questioning face.

"Are you.. breaking up with me?" I ask and make an unnoticable grin. I didn't think this day would come so early, and it makes me both happy and nervous. I really don't want to pretend that I love him anymore but I'm afraid that ending our relationship will cause me to be too obvious about my feelings for Santana. That cannot happen. Not now, at least. I've been thinking about breaking up with him too but then I would have to come up with a reason to why I'm making that decision. Now that _he _is the one breaking up with _me _it makes everything a lot easier. It feels almost like the heavy weight I've had on my shoulders is slowly vanishing.

"Maybe.. You don't even seem so surprised or disappointed about it. Yeah.. I think I am. Quinn, I am breaking up with you. It's over. I won't bother you anymore, even though it's _your _loss. There are hundreds of other girls who would _love _to get a little taste of me," he says sounding as confident as always.

"Then go and get them," I say with no sadness at all. This is a huge relief for me.

"I will," he lastly says and jerks his varsity jacket as if he is the baddest and hottest boy in town. Then he leaves and I'm standing alone by my locker, once again. I check the time on my phone and notice there's only 20 minutes left of my current class so I decide not to go to it. I put back my books and pen in my locker and walk outside to smoke. I can finally do it without having to worry about someone seeing me. A cigarette haven't felt this good to smoke in a long time. It makes me forget about my mom and all other people who bother me. I inhale the nicotine some more times before I stub out the cigarette. I look around myself to make sure no one can see me and slowly lift up my shirt. I press the butt on my bruises, closing my eyes as I enjoy it burning on my skin. Most people would think I'm weird but pain isn't always painful.

Then I throw the cigarette on the ground and walk back in to my school, waiting for the other students to finish their classes. There's only ten minutes left. The clock keeps ticking and I keep waiting until it finally strikes 09.20. I stand by my locker and expect Santana and Brittany to arrive soon. My heart starts pounding harder as I wait for Santana to show up. I don't know what to do or how to react if she starts asking questions. I don't even know how to look her in the eyes without feeling ashamed. I decide to try to act natural and pretend as if I don't know anything. One minute later I see her walking towards her locker that is standing two lockers away from mine. Her hair is up in a ponytail and she is wearing her usual Cheerios clothes, showing off her hot brown legs. With her white sneakers touching the floor for each step she takes, Brittany is walking right beside her. They are chatting and carrying their books in their arms, approaching me.

"Hey Quinn, you're here," Santana says and smiles. "And you're not wearing your cheerleading clothes," she continues and looks confused. I feel my throat closing up but I try to calm myself down so Brittany doesn't comment on my behavior.

"Yeah, I forgot to wash them yesterday and I missed the bus this morning," I answer and feel really awkward talking to her. I bet she feels powerful, knowing my little secret. She has obviously not told Brittany about it which I am thankful of. I don't want anyone to know about this.

"You never miss the bus, did something get in the way?" Santana asks as if she doesn't get it. I get slightly annoyed, there's no need to tease me right now.

"I forgot the time, that's all," I pause. "So did I miss anything important today?" I ask changing the subject.

"Did you know that there are more chickens than people in the world? Ha! That's amazing. Maybe I should buy one for Lord Tubbington," Brittany says and sounds proud of the stupid fact she just shared.

"Do that," I say and give her a fake smile. Sometimes I just feel the need to punch her in the face, maybe it will make her think straighter. I don't understand how Santana stands to spend so much time with her.

After our break we go to our next class. This day goes too slow, I just want to discuss with Santana. I have to explain myself. But, I'm not sure if I should tell her the truth. It's too early to tell her. It will just ruin everything and I'll never have a chance with her. I must first make things between her and Brittany difficult so it will make them drift away from each other. However, that's not the main issue right now. I have to handle the meetup with Santana first.

**. . .**

It's the last period of the day. I keep tapping my fingers on the table and checking the time every 30 seconds.

"C'mon, c'mon..," I whisper quietly with some random person sitting next to me and staring at me. I have no friends in my social science class but it doesn't matter. I don't want friends always around me.

"Class dismissed," my teacher suddenly says when the bell rings and I jump up from my chair immediately. I grab my books and the other tools I have on the desk and walk quickly out of the classroom. I leave my stuff in my locker where I don't see Santana. She has probably already left, maybe even waiting for me. I jog to the bus stop and wait for the bus. Six minutes later I step onto it and head to Olive Garden. The further the bus drives the more nervous I get. I play with my hair and bite my nails. My left leg is shaking and it cannot seem to stop. I inhale and exhale deeply as I straighten my back, trying to simmer down. The next bus stop is the closest one to Olive Garden. When the bus is finally there I get up from my seat and get off the bus. Once again, I take a deep breath and then I make my way to our meetup place. I search with my eyes for Santana but I don't see her anywhere. The place is crowded so I'm not shocked in any way. I guess she will be here soon, I'll just wait for her to show up.

"Quinn," I hear the voice of a girl behind me. I freeze with my eyes wide open when I hear her voice. I turn around slowly with my eyes still open wide as I face her. "I'm glad you could make it," she says. I wait before I respond and she just looks at me with a smile on her lips. I shut my eyes to calm myself down for the third time today and then I open them up, feeling ready to speak.

"R-Rachel?"

"That's the reaction I was hoping for," she says proudly. I feel numbness allover my body. I can't believe this. All this time I thought it was Santana. I don't understand.

"How..?" I ask more confused than ever.

"How what?" Rachel asks.

"How did you know it was me? How did you figure it out? I don't understand. What made you.. What did.. How di-."

"Shh, calm down Q," she says. I react to the nickname she just gave me. We're not friends, she shouldn't call me by a nickname she just made up. "I observe you a lot, as you've probably already noticed," she says, which is true. I have noticed for a while that she has been staring at me but I never knew for what exact reason. "I know exactly how you behave when you're being honest and when you're lying. I know when you're happy and when you're sad, just by looking at your body language. I know _you_," she continues and I notice her pupils dilate.

"You don't know me, not at all," I utter.

"But I do. I know your personality, and I think that's enough to claim that I know you. You, on the other hand, don't know _me_."

"I don't want to know you. I'm here because I thought you were Santana, this is just a waste of time," I say and turn around to leave.

"Stop," Rachel says instantly. I stop and turn back around, listening. "Don't you remember what my letter said?"

"Yeah, that I should meet you up outside Olive Garden, and I did," I say and roll my eyes.

"Think harder," she says.

"I don't know? Just tell me," I demand.

"I said that I know your secret."

"I know you did. You told me to meet you up here if I want to keep it a secret and, so I did. What else is there?" I ask and feel annoyed._  
_

"You don't think that's the only catch of the deal, do you?" she says and laughs as if she finds me dumb.

"Uhm.. Alright. What can I do for you?" I ask and hope she doesn't exaggerate.

"There's this thing I want.." she says facing the ground and now sounds a bit embarrassed. I'm so confused, what the hell does she want?

"Rachel, I don't have much money so I can't buy you something expensive," I say. She chuckles and shakes her head.

"I really thought you were a clever person, Q." I shiver to the nickname again. "I don't want your money," she pauses. "I want you to kiss me," she finally says and looks up, staring into my eyes.

"What?" I ask, even though I already heard her. It just doesn't seem right.

"You heard me Quinn. I want you to kiss me. That's all I ask from you if you don't want me to spoil your secret to everyone," she says, sounding a bit more confident this time. I start looking around me, not quite sure what I'm searching for. I just don't know how to react to this, how to respond.

"Well.." I say, still not looking at Rachel. I can't look her in the eyes anymore, I'm too nervous. I'm almost shaking. A girl has never told that she wants me to kiss her. I haven't even thought about kissing girls, only Santana, not _girls_. I've never had feelings for any other girls before so I'm not even sure if I can label myself as "lesbian".

So what do you do? When a girl comes straight forward to you and tells you what they want? Do you do it? Or do you risk to let everyone know about your disgraceful secret?

"Well..?" Rachel says as I realize that I've been standing there very silent for too long.

"You're telling me, if I kiss you then you won't tell anyone about my letters?" I ask her to make sure I've got it right.

"Indeed."

"You won't tell anyone? Not even your closest friends?" I ask again.

"Not a single soul, Quinn." She looks at me with her big, round, brown eyes. "Just kiss me," she says and moves one step closer to me. A step big enough to let me feel her hot breaths on my neck. I keep standing on the same spot, stiff and speechless, not able to move, not even to blink. I'm so shocked that I forget that there are tons of people around me. People who I may even know. I just can't move, nor speak. I feel trapped.

Rachel looks up at me and slowly stands on her toes, grabbing my shoulders. I stare back at her and we don't break the eye contact for one millisecond. She moves her lips closer to mine and stops there, without touching my lips. She just lets her small breaths hit my lips, sending thrills through my body. I begin to gently shut my eyes, like an automatic reaction, as Rachel begins to move her lips closer again. It takes only one second and now she is brushing her lips against mine, softly and smoothly. Her hands move down to my waist very lightly and she pulls me closer to her as she continues kissing me. My heart flutters and my body temperature increases more than it should. This is my first kiss from a girl, my absolute first one, which I actually planned to get from Santana. But I can't pull myself away. I feel too weak. My legs are almost trembling so much I feel like I'm about to collapse. I don't know how to stop. _I enjoy this too much._

Rachel finally pulls away after what felt like hours of kissing. Time went so slow as soon as she approached me. My eyes suddenly start to tear up but I hold it back in. I don't even know why I feel like crying. I'm so lost.

On the spur of the moment, Rachel moves her hand up to her mouth and zips her lips. Then she's gone. I assume that she is going to keep her promise. She has to, or I'll murder her. I turn my brimming eyes away and decide to walk home instead of taking the bus. I need some time to ease my mind.


	5. chapter five

As soon as I open my eyes and look at the clock I jump out of my bed. It's 10.52 which means I'm late for school, again. I pound my knuckles hard against the wall of disappointment in myself and rush to the bathroom to wash my face. Then I do my everyday routines like I always do before going to school. I run so fast back and forth that I'm about to slip on the floor.

"Quinn! Will you stop running for heaven's sake?! You're waking up the neighbors!" my mom shouts from her bedroom. I don't answer her but continue getting ready. "Why the rush?" she suddenly asks and when I turn around I see that she has already stepped out of her room.

"I'm late for school. I don't have time to talk," I respond and turn back around.

"Since when do you have school on Saturdays?" she asks and gives me a suspicious look in her eyes.

"W-what..?" I shake my head in confusion. "Isn't it Friday today?"

"Christ! Is that why you kept running around like a goddamn child? Thanks for waking me up, I'm going back to sleep," she says and goes back to her room, slamming the door after her. There's not a single moment when I've had a nice and normal conversation with my mother. I feel like my nerves are shot and I just don't know how long I'll be able to cope with this anymore.

I go back to my room and rest on my bed. It's a relief that the weekend is finally here. I've been needing this ever since this week started. No wonder why I've forgotten which day it is. Yesterday was one of the scariest days of my life. The only thing that scares me more is when I know that my mom is about hit me. I've never been afraid of anything else. But yesterday was different. I was scared, but scared in a good way, if that even makes sense. Like I said, I have never kissed a girl before and this wasn't just a normal "first kiss". This was totally different on so many levels. The way her lips touched mine and her sweet saliva mixed with mine was almost indescribable. It was lucid; it felt like experiencing your first time seeing fireworks, like it's the first day you learn how to fly, like when you have finally achieved something you've been praying for but, dark; like the first time you pull the trigger on a gun, like when you feel extreme envy for the first time, it was like watching the entire world turn into a massive dark hole where you're the only person standing. It felt wrong but pleasing and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

However, Rachel will never top Santana. Not in looks nor in personality. Just because I enjoyed a kiss from someone else it doesn't have to mean that they are the person I want. And to think that I enjoyed kissing Rachel _that _much, makes me wonder how wonderful it would be to let Santana crash her lips onto mine. I'm desperate. I think this is more than just love that I'm feeling towards Santana. I think this is a craving like when you haven't had any sleep for days and you just want to shut your eyes and get lost in your dreams. I don't only love her, I need her. I need her more than I need anyone or anything else. To live with this constant feeling every day is hurtful. That's why I'm going to change things and make her mine. Now that I know that Santana has no clue about who the person behind the letters is I can finally relax again. As long as she doesn't know it's me, all my plans will work out just as I've been hoping for.

Since it's Saturday-and I most likely would rather get hit by a car than to stay home-I decide to ask Santana if she wants to hang out. I don't even care about what consequences I might get when I get back home anymore. All I want is to spend some time with the girl I admire the most. No one's going to stop me, even though it's just my mom. My dad is barely home due to his job.

"_Are you busy today?_" I text Santana. A couple of minutes later she replies:

"_Nope. Wanna do something?_"

"_Yeah, that's what I was going to ask you. The usual place?_" I text back.

"_Sure! I'm glad you're back Quinn. Let me just ask Brittany if she wants to join._"

"_Don't."_

"_Why not?_"

"_Because there's something I need to talk to you about and it would be better if she didn't come._"

Minutes pass without a reply from her. I don't understand why it is so hard for her to just go out without Brittany for once. I'm her friend, she doesn't need Brittany all the time.

"_Sure. I'm going out now. See ya_," she finally replies and I smile at the text. Since I'm already dressed up I decide to also go out now. I wait for the bus as always and head to Olive Garden. The reason to why that's the only place we meet up at is because there aren't any other good places to eat at where they have both healthy food _and _junk food.

When I get there I can see that Santana is already there waiting for me. I see no Brittany which makes me happy. This just proves that I can trust Santana. Her hair is released and nicely curled. She doesn't wear any make up but still manages to look more beautiful than any model. This is what I call pure natural beauty. She smiles at me when she sees me and we greet each other before going into the restaurant. After approximately 10 minutes our food that we ordered is placed on our table.

"Mmm.. Finally!" Santana says and looks satisfied.

"Is there anything else you eat besides pizza? Haha!" I jeer.

"I don't think so," she says and laughs with me. "What about you? Do you eat anything else than all these healthy food? Have you even tried pizza? You can get a piece from me if you want," she says and continues laughing.

"I'm fine. I'm not into junk food to be honest," I say and try not to sound too serious. No one knows about the fact that I only eat once a day. I don't understand how Santana can stay so slim and have such a beautiful body with all that junk food going down her throat.

"So.." Santana suddenly says.

""So" what?" I ask.

"You told me you had something to talk about. I mean that's why Brittany isn't here, right? Speaking of Brittany, is she in danger? What's going on?" Santana says looking worried.

"Calm down San. I came here to tell you about the letter that Brittany received."

"What about it?" she asks and takes a bite of her pizza.

"I know who it is," I say and wait for her reaction. She drops her pizza on her plate.

"What?! Who is it?!" she utters.

"If I tell you you have to promise me that you won't confront the person. Nor do I want you to tell Brittany. She might say to this person that I'm the one who snitched."

"Wait, so you're telling me I should lie to my own girlfriend?" She looks at me with a surprised look.

"You're not lying to her. You're just keeping a secret, for a friend. Everyone has secrets and this is for her own best," I say and hope she believes me.

"Fine. Tell me who it is then."

"You know that dwarf in our English class?" I say.

"Rachel?!" Santana exclaims and her eyes pop out.

"Shh.. Yes, Rachel," I whisper.

"Are you being serious?! I'm going to murder her! I'm not going to let her continue like this! Who does she think she is playing with? I'm Santana Lopez!" she says raging.

"No, no. Santana. Remember I said that you won't do anything to her? She can't know I said this," I say as I'm starting to feel a bit upset for lying.

"Alright alright.. But, how do you even know this?" she asks and furrows her eyebrows.

"She told me."

"What..? Why would she tell you?"

I look down on my food, which I haven't even touched yet, and sigh.

"She told me that.. That she's in love with me." I look back up at Santana who now has her mouth gaping just like her eyes.

"W-wait.. So when she said "stay away from my girl" didn't she mean _me_?" Santana asks with confusion shining in her eyes.

"Apparently not."

"But why Brittany? I mean, you two aren't a couple. She's already taken," she asks.

_I should have prepared myself for this a little more. I didn't expect Santana to ask me such questions. I'm still doing pretty good though. I just hope she is convinced enough soon to stop asking questions._

"I can't answer that. I guess she is just jealous," I say after a little bit of thinking.

"Alright.. I'm still a bit confused about everything and I have so many questions but.. I mean, how would you know everything? It's not like you're the one writing the letters, am I right?" Santana laughs.

"Right.." I answer and give a fake laughter. The guilt I'm feeling is eating me alive but it's too late to stop now. I have to do what I have to do.

"Well, at least I'm right about her being a lesbian too," she says and sounds proud of herself. "Wouldn't it be funny if you also were into girls? Maybe you and Rachel would be a couple," she laughs harder than ever. I start laughing too, but I don't find this funny at all. I almost think I'm about to throw up. But her smile is still held between her lips after we're done laughing. Her pretty smile that I could watch forever and it would never bore me.

"About that.." I say when I finally start to eat my food.

"About what?" she asks.

"About being a couple. Puck and I broke up," I say as I'm chewing on my salad.

"What?! Why?"

"He got mad because I spend more time with my friends than what I spend with him," I say and roll my eyes.

"What a jerk. "Chicks before dicks", that's the motto," she laughs again.

"Couldn't agree more," I say and mean it literally. I'm not interested in what boys have between their legs.

We sit at the restaurant for another hour and then we walk around the town. We chat about all kinds of things and I honestly haven't felt this happy in a long time. To be spending time with Santana only-without her girlfriend-is like a miracle happening to me. I wish this could happen more often. I love to hear her talk about her small problems and when she tells me what her favorite color is. You don't usually talk about such things when you're a group of people, but now that it's only the two of us I finally get to know her much better. I can't even imagine how many things Brittany knows about Santana that I don't know of and it makes me extremly jealous. But, at least this is a start.

We stay outside until 10 and then decide that it's time to go home. We get on seperate buses and that's the last of her I'll see today. This day has made so happy that I haven't even thought about smoking the whole time. This is something that rarely happens. It's as if spending time with Santana gives me powers; she makes me feel replete.

With a smile on my face I open the door to my apartment and take off my outerwear. I walk to my room and expect my mother to stand there again, waiting to beat me up. But, I do not fear her, not from this day. My body is already as sore as it could possibly get. I take a deep breath and feel stronger than ever as I throw the door open.

"Have you miss-" I start my sentence but stop myself when I look inside my room. "What? I whisper to myself.

_Where is she? Why isn't she in my room?_

I walk to the kitchen to look for her there too, ready to feel the pain. But in there isn't my mother either.

"WHERE ARE YOU?!" I yell. "I'm not a fucking child! Don't play hide and seek with me!" I yell even louder. "Just get out and whip me with your stupid leather toy!" I scream so loud my lungs start to feel heavy. I still don't see her show up nor do I hear a sound coming from her. I search the whole house but I catch no sight of her. She must have gone out, which is odd. She barely leaves the house because she is always ready to punish me for being late. I know it sounds weird, coming from me, but I'm actually starting to get worried. I don't care about _her _personally, but I still want to know why she would leave out of nowhere. So I call her a few times but she doesn't pick up and when I text her she doesn't reply. After trying a couple of times to reach her I finally give up. I go to my bed and try to fall asleep instead of starting to worry about someone who doesn't care about me.


End file.
